I spent three long years going through tough and trying times where I saw my darkest days. Work was impossible at times as my days were spent crying, sleeping and sitting in the silence. My husband out at work and my daughter out at school, left me with our two Chihuahuas as daytime companions. However, there was minimal interaction as I struggled to get myself through every day.
Home alone, I ate and drank very little during the daytime. At night I had to muster up the strength and cook a meal for my family. I sat with them at the dinner table and ate what I could. Every day was the same, lonely and quiet. Most evenings I spent alone as my daughter went out with friends or to her room and my husband spent his time in in his office. I had shut down and retreated into myself, finding it difficult to interact without tears.
Day turned to night and night turned to day, nothing changed. The days turned into months and the months turned into years. Struggling to cope, I was lost in confusion and despair about the what and why that I had become embroiled in.
During a year of this time, I was working through my Master’s Degree at University, having been invited to do so by one of the tutors, following the completion of my Bachelor’s Degree. I found it challenging to interact with the other students and undertake the work, while going through the motions of attending the weekly class. Struggling to concentrate on my studies, I inevitably failed my dissertation.
My family were concerned and tried many ways to reach me to help over this period of time, but I was not receptive. I was so wrapped up in my own grief about my situation that I was unable to comprehend their help. My body ached daily from sobbing and was wasting away from lack of sustenance and nutrition. For a while I took to drinking, believing that it was normal and under control. A large gin and tonic appetizer, couple of large glasses of red wine with my child-size portion of dinner with a very large Tia Maria and coffee after.
A visit to my doctor confirmed that I was suffering from depression and drinking in excess. My alcohol consumption had reached 70 units a week and I was totally unaware. This reality check was shocking, my drinking had to stop or reduce. I was offered anti-depressant tablets but it wasn’t what I wanted. I had taken anti-depressants for a short period of time, many years ago and they made me feel like a zombie and devoid of emotion. Whilst I was full of melancholy without medications, I didn’t want to compound my problems, knowing how they affected me.
My lowest point came while I was ironing in the kitchen one evening, while my family were in the lounge, laughing and joking. I believed I was making their lives miserable and that they would be better off without me. Tears came again. I had to stop ironing, so that I could let all that emotion out. Hot rivers of tears ran down my face, I sobbed uncontrollably and alone in the kitchen, inaudible to my family in the lounge.
I just stood, thinking of the many ways to commit suicide, all I could think about was the mess they would they have to clear up. I didn’t have any prescription drugs, so I could only overdose on Paracetamol which would take 2 days, be prolonged and painful. I was a coward.
Cutting my wrists would leave blood around me that would need cleaning up. My landing balustrade was not strong enough and wouldn’t hold my weight to hang myself, so that was out. I could drive my car off the road, but I might hurt someone else, that would just be unthinkable.
To be honest, I couldn’t imagine how I would end my life. I was absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, at the bottom of an abyss and I couldn’t see a way out. Everything was bleak and dark. Even my clothes were black or dark but I had no conscious awareness at the time.
During this time, I would often wake in the mornings with song lyrics in my head. I paid no attention to them at first. Then, some days, I was aware that something would happen that was directly related to the lyrics that had been in my head that morning. I didn’t know why the songs were in my head or what they meant, at the time.
A slow recovery
A very good friend started taking me to the gym once a week. We would do two one hour classes back to back, body pump and boxercise. I was already thin and with this exercise, I became lean. My husband commented one day that my arms looked like Madonna’s, thin and masculine looking with prominent veins. I didn’t really take it on board. I thought I should be exercising to help myself but what I was doing was punishing myself.
I don’t remember when I started taking the supplement Vitamin D3 but I knew it had been successful in helping people with depression, to lift their mood and in several cases, had cured their depression. I took 5000 IU tablets, one a day.
This is a sample of a chapter taken from The Book of Amazing People Phoenix Edition.
The Book of Amazing People is a groundbreaking project that honors and showcases individual success and achievement. In the chapters of this book you will read inspiring and motivating real-life stories of ordinary people making their lives truly extraordinary.
Some of our contributors have overcome loss, serious illness and heartache. Many have transformed their lives through physical and emotional change while others have established successful businesses against the odds.
By reading this book you will have an insight into what success means to you and how to achieve it.
