Success is a life that feels good on the inside, not just something that looks good on the outside

Modern society has taught us to use quality and quantity of material possessions as our barometer when measuring success. When we see someone driving a luxury car, we assume they are successful, however, what we don’t know is that they may have hired it for the day. If we know someone who lives in a posh suburb, we assume that they are rich, yet it is likely that they have huge mortgage debt. A woman carrying a designer handbag is assumed to be a wealthy trendsetter; on closer inspection we may discover that the bag is a mere copy of the original and cost little. When it comes to the topic of success, we assume, comment and compare. This behaviour can result in unfair judgment of others and a feeling of inferiority.

When my daughter was preparing to sit her final exams at school, she was very stressed. No amount of telling her to relax, that we love her regardless of her result, or to just do her best, made any difference. She knew she was capable and had worked hard. What she didn’t feel comfortable with was being ranked. In her eyes, this wasn’t just an exam to discover her level of ability; it was an opportunity for the education system to compare her with every other final year school student in the state. In summary – society would tell her if she was a success or a failure. I understand that universities want to pick the cream of the crop for their courses. I know that for some people a ranking system can motivate them to do better. However, I also know that one size does not fit all when it comes to our definition of success.

As a Success Coach, I ask every new client to describe what success means to them. Very few say money, popularity or material gain. Most mention that success is difficult to describe. That it is intangible. It is a feeling, or an emotion. They use words such as contentment, happiness and balance. What I have learned over the years in this business is that success means something different to each individual, and that we cannot make an accurate assessment of someone’s success based on his or her possessions, or high school results. I’m sure we can all think of someone who is financially successful, yet in a miserable relationship; or a friend who has great relationships but is struggling with poor health. A healthy, wealthy person, who appears to have it all, might be facing daily dilemmas caused by negative self-talk. The truth is that we never really know the full extent of someone else’s success, and for that reason we should not judge, comment, compare or label them.

We can also be guilty of pretending to be more successful that we really are. Sometimes we do it for approval and sometimes we do it just because everyone else is. Have you heard the saying, ‘life always looks better on Facebook’? At the beginning of this year I posted a photograph of myself on a mountaintop, snowboarding in Japan. I was smiling and waving; it was 10am on the first day of our family holiday. I felt fresh, energetic and excited about the day ahead. What people didn’t see was how I looked at the end of that day. After having fallen and hurt myself numerous times, I was in tears, exhausted, bruised and wallowing in self-pity back at the hotel.

When I returned home at the end of the holiday, I wrote a blog for my followers about this façade that I had portrayed. The response to this one article was huge. I asked myself and my clients why? The resounding answer from all of them was the same – everyone is desperate for permission to be real with themselves and one another. Here are some of the things they said,

“Everyone wants to be accepted just as they are.”

“We are all screaming out for authenticity, these days.”

“I always think everyone else is more successful than me.”

“I want to know it’s ok to share my struggles without being judged.”

“I like to support other people but find it difficult to show my weakness.”

“I feel relieved when others admit that life is not perfect for them either.”

You can argue that it has always been in our nature to draw comparisons with our neighbours. This behaviour even has a title – Keeping Up With The Jones’s. Sometimes aspiring to have what others have or to be like them can motivate us to make positive change. However, an alarming fact is that these days the number of mental health issues is higher than ever. Again, I find myself asking the question, “Why?” I don’t have all the answers but from my clients I have gained a lot of insight and I know for sure that the game of comparison has been made worse by allowing social media into our lives.